It’s been a rough couple of weeks. And it’s been a rough two years. But when I sat down for a moment and thought about it to myself, I realized that maybe I’m still stuck in the past. Whenever something goes wrong, it always takes me back to when it all started going downhill two years ago. I start asking myself when things are going to go back to normal and even the infamous question, ‘why me’? And that is okay, because I believe it is a part of the healing process. But somehow, I haven’t really moved on from there. It is great when your past teaches you lessons for your future, but not when it is holding you back. The latter is exactly what is happening to me.
The truth is, yes, I am still stuck in my past and when things go wrong one after another, I don’t think I get enough time to heal. But when will I really? It’s not like my life is going to stop so that I can take enough time to myself and figure things out. Actually, everything did kind of stop in 2020 and it was okay for a while, but soon everything was a struggle again. So, I’m just really asking when all of it will really stop? When will things stop going so wrong? When will I stop getting hurt? And when will I be back to normal?
Well, there is no one answer to any of these or similar questions. But from whatever I’ve gathered for a while now; the answer is me. My first good step was that I realized I’m stuck. And the second step is really to move on; there is no in-between. But it is hard. I cannot just say it like that, expecting that I will suddenly be okay with everything. I will not. And I do not know how long healing is going to take, which is the scariest part.
But, above all of that confusion, doubt and fear in my head, when I remember the last two years a little more in detail, I realize it was not all that bad.
Here are some of my favourite photographs from 2019 and 2020-
These pictures make it seem like I’ve had the best time ever. I’ll admit I have had it when these photographs were being clicked. But there was a lot going on otherwise, too. Yet, to think that I survived all the bad and the good parts too sounds like an achievement to me. We may not realize it, but for some people even getting through 24 hours feels like a nightmare. And I’ve been there at some point. But I’m here now. And I’m not at my best, but I’m better.
The point is, now that I know that I’ve been stuck in my past for too long, I can consciously make a choice and ‘try’ to move forward. Only baby steps. One day at a time. But it’s high-time I do this for myself. I cannot sit my entire life saying that everything goes wrong with me and that my life is so sad. It is not. It’s really just the way I look at it. I showed you the pictures above. I am lucky that I had those good moments to balance it out along with the bad moments. But if all you’ve had is bad moments for a while now, know that you hold the power to stand tall and turn the tables around. It’s not about ‘if’ you can do it, it’s about ‘when’. And you may not decide to get up even for a while after reading this article. It can take a lot more time. But I suggest don’t wait for you to be ‘ready’ for it. You will never be ready for it. Just get up one day and take the plunge. Remember, ‘you hold the power’.
And to answer my question, my life is normal right now. This is normal because every second day there are inevitable chances of something going wrong. But things ‘going wrong’ is part of growing up. It sucks sometimes. A lot of times. But that is how it works. Things will go downhill and I will try as far as possible to fix them, let the things be which I cannot fix and above all take care of my own mental health. That’s all I need to do. I need to just keep moving forward. Obstacles will keep coming my way and I will handle them; maybe once in a while take a break and feel sorry about everything but also go ahead and try to have great days like I did in the photographs above. And if not ‘have’, then I’ll make a normal day a great day. A walk in the neighbourhood and a hot cup of chai should help. Anyway, that’s my healing process and yours can be completely different. But what matters is that you start taking care of yourself because you’re too precious and deserve a lot more happiness than you think!
After all, Hannah Montana once said, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
LET GO OF THE PAST Let go of the past, and set yourself free, because there’s nothing that holds you back, like a place that you used to be. Let go of the place where you are still suffering… tossing and turning in a storm that is no longer happening. Don’t look back and see the broken path, try to remember the parts of it that were beautiful, and made you laugh…. - Winnie Mathenge
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