THIS IS ME- PART 2

One year ago, today, I published ‘THIS IS ME’ on The Thought Factory blog. One year later, I’m here writing a follow-up to that post and things are not quite the same.

I’m not cured. My headache is still there, and now it’s been about 8 and a half years.

Putting everything in context- When I published ‘THIS IS ME’, for the first time I openly spoke about something I’ve been living with for a while. When I was in 3rd grade, I developed a headache problem. My head started hurting one day out of the blue and it hasn’t stopped ever since. I have a headache every day of all 365 days. The conclusion of innumerous tests and doctors’ visits has all been that I’m perfectly fine. Yet, my head still hurts. One day we met a doctor who informed us that what I have is an ‘Unclassified Headache’ and it has no particular cause or cure. He gave me some meds and, for the first time, my headache felt like it was fading away permanently. I felt like I’m going to recover, miraculously. As hopeful as I was in that article, one year later, here I am and there has been no miracle.

After I’d written last year’s post, I continued to take the meds prescribed by that doctor for a few months. Later, the same thing happened all over again. The medicines stopped working for me and having any effect on me. We decided to be off any medication for a while. Even till now, I am not permanently taking any medicines and during sudden emergencies when the pain is unbearable; I take the one medicine that was prescribed to me by the same doc. That medicine gives me an instant relief for a few hours.

But it hasn’t been all that simple. There were days of continuous pain and struggle with no solution. And then one day in March, I had a mental breakdown. I was going through other stuff too and in the middle of all of that; I realized what was already there in some part of my mind. The fact that I might probably have to live with my headache for the rest of my life. It could probably never go away. And as well as I’ve learnt to deal with it over the last 8.5 years, it is still a struggle every single day.

I wrote this on 7th May 2021-

“It hurts so much. Everything hurts. From head to toe, every inch of my body hurts. And I don’t know how to make it stop. It feels like it will never, ever stop. There’s just so much pain, even tears don’t help anymore. Although I can’t stop them from coming. They’re flowing right now, down my cheeks and all over my face. But none of it makes any difference. The pain is excruciating. And it’s not only about my head anymore. It’s my entire face and my shoulders and my back, my arms and my lower back, my legs and my feet. When I said ‘from head to toe’, I meant it. I’m weak and I feel like I’m really going to pass out. I’m in the most helpless state possible. I’m tired, so, so tired of it all. And I cannot help but feel every bit; I’m feeling every bit of the pain right now and it hurts so damn much. I’m ready to beg, plead, do anything that would take this suffering away from me even for a while. Just please make it go away.”

Even though it sounds so dramatic, it is very real. I am still as vulnerable and helpless as I used to be. That miraculous recovery that I had anticipated never happened and now it feels like I’m back to square one. Not moved an inch from there. Everything is back to how it used to be. There’s the pain and the tears and the basic things I do to feel better or distract myself. It is all exactly the same. And maybe it’s going to be the same for a while. Maybe for a long, long while. This entire cycle might keep repeating until it stops, or doesn’t.

I seriously needed to write this all down, follow up on ‘THIS IS ME’ and just vent. But I’m done now. Shed a tear or two while writing this piece as well and I feel much better after getting it all out there. But what’s the next step? What do I do now that I know my problem has high chances of being permanent; that 365 days after 365 days, for the rest of my life, this is going to be my life? Writing each word right now is still tearing me up because no matter how much I try to explain, I cannot put into words the pain that I go through every single day. It is all of me. And it might be pretty clear by now that I’m seriously struggling to drive this article towards a positive ending as is consistent in all my writings. I had ended the article previous to this on such a cheerful note, awaiting full recovery and ready to move on with my life. And I had definitely not guessed that this is what I’d be writing one year later.

The rational thing to do right now, as another doctor had advised me recently too, is to study the timings, triggers and patterns of my headache on my own and try to avoid the usual triggers and take as many precautions as I can, and just get better at dealing with it every day. Of course, it is easier said than done. Fear, pain, overthinking, panic and what not cloud my mind. It is so hard to accept everything that’s happening. Yet, despite it all, somewhere in my heart I also trust myself to get through it.

I mean, come on, this is me. 8.5 years of headache and I’m still here, aren’t I? In all these years, I’ve also gotten through some pretty ugly and tough times and I’m still here. I know myself and I know I survive everything. I’ve experienced such severe pain from my headaches for most of my life and I’m still doing pretty great. A lot of other good stuff has been happening to me lately too and I’ve just been really happy. Touch wood. So, I know that in the coming years too, I will figure it out, you know. Even if this is for the rest of my life, I will really get through it. I am a fighter, definitely a survivor, after all.

I’d like to correct myself too when I said that I haven’t moved an inch from square one, that everything is back to how it used to be. It’s not entirely true. Maybe the headache is, but I’m not the same. I feel different. I look different. And I definitely think different. I feel like I’m growing and learning every single day. The experiences that I’ve been so privileged to have in the last few months are making me a better person. So, a lot of this article focuses on the pain and struggle because I want to be honest about that. But I also want to be honest about how grateful I am because no matter my condition, I still find a way to be happy, which I think has been one of my biggest achievements so far.

So, this is really me. My headache is not my identity. But I am a mixture of my pain and positive spirit. And even though keeping up this spirit is going to be so, so hard on so many days, I know I will manage. I will take the right precautions and follow the right instructions. If I could do it for all these years, I can do it now. All the fear and overthinking- I’m still working on that part. Not too much pressure on myself, so it’s going to be one day at a time.

Tomorrow, on the first of June 2021, as I celebrate my 17th birthday, I think I’m ready to embrace my truest self with all that it brings, and continue to keep moving forward.

A flower in every sense

As I take the first step and lower my head,
A certain fragrance tickles in my nostrils.
I recognize that scent to be from a vintage European alley,
It is certainly that of the Lily of the Valley.

I turn to the right and feel a feather-like touch.
It brushes past my fingertips to raise the beat in my chest.
I was similarly aroused when I was a Virginian tourist,
Fondling the Iris flower with an eager zest.

As I nibble a petal out of that beautiful blossom,
I am left with a bitter flavour dominating my tongue.
Alike that green bowl of salad from vintage Italia;
That Daisy petal in it took me back to the quiet cafeteria. 

I then turn to find the location of the buzzing,
And I’m taken towards them honeybees.
They’re akin to the bees of that empire, where the sun never sets,
Over the Lilacs, they then seem to be singing duets.

And then my pupils dilate,
As my eyes fall directly upon the queen herself.
Magnifique, from the gardens of archaic France.
Gulaab, she herself embodies the romance.

With the sun shining bright,
In this meadow, I take a long walk.
In my body, as every flower awakens a unique sense,
Lingers the air of a promising day thence.


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Moving on

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. And it’s been a rough two years. But when I sat down for a moment and thought about it to myself, I realized that maybe I’m still stuck in the past. Whenever something goes wrong, it always takes me back to when it all started going downhill two years ago. I start asking myself when things are going to go back to normal and even the infamous question, ‘why me’? And that is okay, because I believe it is a part of the healing process. But somehow, I haven’t really moved on from there. It is great when your past teaches you lessons for your future, but not when it is holding you back. The latter is exactly what is happening to me.

The truth is, yes, I am still stuck in my past and when things go wrong one after another, I don’t think I get enough time to heal. But when will I really? It’s not like my life is going to stop so that I can take enough time to myself and figure things out. Actually, everything did kind of stop in 2020 and it was okay for a while, but soon everything was a struggle again. So, I’m just really asking when all of it will really stop? When will things stop going so wrong? When will I stop getting hurt? And when will I be back to normal?

Well, there is no one answer to any of these or similar questions. But from whatever I’ve gathered for a while now; the answer is me. My first good step was that I realized I’m stuck. And the second step is really to move on; there is no in-between. But it is hard. I cannot just say it like that, expecting that I will suddenly be okay with everything. I will not. And I do not know how long healing is going to take, which is the scariest part.

But, above all of that confusion, doubt and fear in my head, when I remember the last two years a little more in detail, I realize it was not all that bad.

Here are some of my favourite photographs from 2019 and 2020-

These pictures make it seem like I’ve had the best time ever. I’ll admit I have had it when these photographs were being clicked. But there was a lot going on otherwise, too. Yet, to think that I survived all the bad and the good parts too sounds like an achievement to me. We may not realize it, but for some people even getting through 24 hours feels like a nightmare. And I’ve been there at some point. But I’m here now. And I’m not at my best, but I’m better.

The point is, now that I know that I’ve been stuck in my past for too long, I can consciously make a choice and ‘try’ to move forward. Only baby steps. One day at a time. But it’s high-time I do this for myself. I cannot sit my entire life saying that everything goes wrong with me and that my life is so sad. It is not. It’s really just the way I look at it. I showed you the pictures above. I am lucky that I had those good moments to balance it out along with the bad moments. But if all you’ve had is bad moments for a while now, know that you hold the power to stand tall and turn the tables around. It’s not about ‘if’ you can do it, it’s about ‘when’. And you may not decide to get up even for a while after reading this article. It can take a lot more time. But I suggest don’t wait for you to be ‘ready’ for it. You will never be ready for it. Just get up one day and take the plunge. Remember, ‘you hold the power’.

And to answer my question, my life is normal right now. This is normal because every second day there are inevitable chances of something going wrong. But things ‘going wrong’ is part of growing up. It sucks sometimes. A lot of times. But that is how it works. Things will go downhill and I will try as far as possible to fix them, let the things be which I cannot fix and above all take care of my own mental health. That’s all I need to do. I need to just keep moving forward. Obstacles will keep coming my way and I will handle them; maybe once in a while take a break and feel sorry about everything but also go ahead and try to have great days like I did in the photographs above. And if not ‘have’, then I’ll make a normal day a great day. A walk in the neighbourhood and a hot cup of chai should help. Anyway, that’s my healing process and yours can be completely different. But what matters is that you start taking care of yourself because you’re too precious and deserve a lot more happiness than you think!

After all, Hannah Montana once said, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

LET GO OF THE PAST
Let go of the past, and set yourself free,
because there’s nothing that holds you back,
like a place that you used to be.
Let go of the place where you are still suffering…
tossing and turning in a storm
that is no longer happening.
Don’t look back
and see the broken path,
try to remember the parts
of it that were beautiful,
and made you laugh…. 
- Winnie Mathenge

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An Ode

This is to honour the memory of my late grandparents. My maternal grandparents passed away when I was 8 years and 10 years old and hardly understood what had happened. My paternal grandfather passed away in February 2020 when I was 15. Over this last weekend, when my parents, my sister and I were visiting our maternal cousins in Malad, Mumbai, we talked about ‘it’. To be honest, everybody else was talking, and I was only nodding and listening. Why? Because I was the only person in that house who had only a few instances in her mind about her maternal grandparents that wouldn’t even count as memories. I hardly remember them. I know their faces from pictures, but I have no visual memory. Their voice is in my head. But with time, it is fading away. And it hurts so much. I cannot put it into words. The other day, when my girlfriends were talking about how strict their grandmas are, I just said ‘yes, maybe my grandma would be like that too. I don’t know.’

And when these girls talk about how much they love their grandparents no matter what, that they often meet with them and tell them stories about school and laugh with them, it just makes me feel so lonely. In some part of my heart, it hurts so much. I miss them. I miss them so much. And I wish they could be here. Last year, my paternal grandpa shifted here to treat his health. And I had my 10th grade. And a lot of health issues myself, too. But somehow, we got through it all, smiling. And then I outdid myself when the results came in September 2020. And some of my classmates had to hear some serious scolding from their grandparents while others were being praised. It just showed that all of their grandparents cared about them. But you know, my grandparents never got a chance to show that, because they aren’t here. They aren’t here to tell me I did so well, that they’re proud of me, or even just scold me, telling me I could’ve done better. I would be ready to take all of it. I just wish they were here.

So, when my cousins, my sister and I were talking, they were telling us about Nana and Nani (maternal grandparents). My Nana was the chairperson of the society committee. And he was such a respectable man. My cousins told me that everyone else would argue and fight during the meetings and in the end, they would look to my Nana, who would have the final word which would be accepted by all. And actually, his last word was always right. And about Nani, my cousins told me that she would have her sarees dried in the hot sun and then ironed to perfection. Then she would drape them impeccably. And then when Nana Nani would go out together everywhere, people would look up to them and respect them and give their highest regards. Nana and Nani were big on cleanliness and learning things the right way, and basically yes, they were kind of strict. But that’s what made them different. They taught everyone else the most integral values of their lives. And since I was the youngest, I’m pretty sure they must’ve only showered all their love on me.

Nana and Nani

At least I remember that my Mama (maternal uncle) did that for sure. We lost him to health problems. I was 12 years old when it happened. But I remember his face, and his voice. I remember that he used to call me his ‘takiya’ (pillow) because he used to keep his head on my lap and use it as a pillow and pretend to sleep. He used to come in the evening from work and after getting freshened up, that’s the first thing he used to want to do. And I would laugh and push him away. Now it feels like I pushed him away forever. 

When Baba (paternal grandfather) was here along with Dadi (paternal grandmother), we cut a cake for his birthday on the 8th of January 2020. We took some pictures, laughed and talked and spent the evening together. He passed away unexpectedly on 1st February. So, the last time I saw him when he was alive was almost a month before it happened and I never got a chance to say goodbye. Baba and Dadi lived at my native place, i.e., Bilaspur, Chhattisgarh, where Dadi still lives. So, our visits to meet them were only once a year. And we always went to Bilaspur during Diwali. It was our tradition. We would celebrate all the five days of Diwali together, travel around the neighbourhood to see the ‘lighting’ and just pray with each other and for each other. And this time in 2020, for the very first time, we had a Diwali without Baba. It felt so different. It just didn’t feel right. I don’t think it will ever feel right again.

Baba

And I just want to end by saying that yes, these people have left empty places in my heart that I will never be able to fill. That is the truth, and I will not sugar-coat it. I will remember them and cry like I did two days ago at 3 am in the morning. When I will have cried my heart out, I will remember that they’re all watching me from up above, and they’re a little far away but they will still always, always be with me

You left too soon,   
Left me all alone.   
The rest of the family is there to keep me company,   
But no one can take your place.   
Your little girl can grow up all she wants,   
But you will always be her first love and that’s an epiphany.   
I can feel it in my heart,  
And I miss you so dearly.   
Somehow, I wish you could come back,   
But one day, I’ll come to you.    
And even though leaving this earth behind would be kind of sad,   
I wouldn’t miss it for the world,   
Because then I would be able to tell you that I love you. 

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A Thoughtful Letter by The Thought Factory

Do participate in this #writingexercise and share your thoughts with the world!

It is your chance to make the most of this opportunity and take a moment to think that with the New Year around the corner, what piece of advice you want to give to your future self, or what pressing issue would you like to bring to the notice of the PM of India, or if only your favourite fictional character could hear you, what would you tell them?

Last date to send in your letters – 13th January 2021, 10 PM (IST)

PS : Letters can be posted anonymously as per demand.

I will be waiting for your letters so hurry up and send them soon!

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Road trips

On last weekend, I went on a small 1-day trip with my family. We went to the ‘Alibag Beach’ and also stopped at ‘Karnala Bird Sanctuary’ on the way. We visited a beach after about 18 months and in fact, we had a family trip after about a year. And I had longed so much for this day to come. Of course, we took all the proper precautions at all times. We had an amazing trip, enjoyed ever so, and bonded better as a family. I had the best time throughout the day, but what I’m going to talk about today is those moments I had only to myself. The road trip! All the while we were on the road, all I did was sit quietly and comfortably in my seat and stare out the window. It was pure bliss. To tell you the truth, I felt like I reconnected with myself.

While going to Karnala in the morning, I could feel the sun on my skin. It was a little hot, but I didn’t mind. After staying cooped up in the house for like forever, a little vitamin D was always welcome. And then while returning home in the evening, I watched the sky turn colours from yellow to orange to pink and purple and finally the sun set. After that, it was only the stars and me. I watched them as they twinkled brightly in the night sky. There was a sense of peace in watching them. As I rested my head on the seat and continued to stare blankly at them, I felt like I wanted to stop the car for a moment, stand under the sky and just take it all in. But we kept moving, and the stars kept passing me by until we reached the city and they were visible no more.

For the record, road trips are totally my thing. And when I was sitting on that seat in my car, watching the endless world before me, I felt like the wind was releasing tension from every nerve of my body and taking it all away with it. I felt calm. As the wind kept brushing past my face, I knew nothing but freedom. Freedom from my thoughts which were all put on hold to watch the sky, freedom from the world and every worry that seemed so unimportant in that moment. I stared at the trees and the houses and the clouds with an empty and peaceful mind. It showed me the beauty in everything. The beauty in the colours of the sky and the all-mighty sun; the beauty in the huts and small houses we passed by; the beauty in the greenery that was there everywhere we looked and the beauty in those high mountains that kept changing shape.

The entire world was moving in front of my eyes. But I was still. Right there. On that seat. And nothing else really mattered. I felt serene. Even the cawing of the crows was soothing to my ears. As I became more and more comfortable, my shoulders felt light and I felt happy from within. My hair was airy and my body seemed to be weightless. I felt pure and charismatic in those moments. I was nonchalant, and I seemed to have forgotten all about the world in those moments, for my soul seemed to have flown away with the winds and the leaves. And I do not know about the next chance I’ll get to experience this all over again, but when you do, don’t miss those moments for the world.

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Savouring moments

When I was young, well, younger than I am right now, there was a time when I would endlessly fight with my mother. I was confident that she didn’t understand me. Maybe she fully didn’t. But I didn’t understand her either. There was that enormous generation gap between us, and it made me wonder if we would ever be like other moms and their children who seemed to be each other’s best friends. Over the years, I have come to realize that I haven’t been an easy child like those other children too. I had grave physical and mental issues at a young age. And I am still dealing with them to this very age. But what has changed is my equation with my mother, my entire family; and my equation with myself.

I learned to come to terms with my personal issues. And I’m not about to tell you a magical secret to how I did that. There’s only one word: experience. I stumbled on my own, fell on my own feet and got up on my own. And what helped me is not necessarily the same thing that is going to help you. You will fall and get up on your own too. And when you will look back, every experience will have something to take away from. And with every experience that you have, the list of things you learnt from it will continue adding up till the day you die. It is on you to apply those teachings to every new situation that you are in. That’s how you grow.

But I wouldn’t ever deny that I couldn’t have done it without my mother and my family. We had our issues, but we worked through them because that’s what families do. In the end, it’s a happy ending. But not without the support of the people that you love and the people that love you. Now, it wasn’t important to begin this by talking about my issues with my mother. But I did that because I want you to know that it is true and it does happen. Families fight, friends fight. Sometimes they hate each other. But if someone has truly loved you, they will never stop wishing the best for you. And that’s what people around me do for me, and I couldn’t ever be more grateful.

The COVID-19 virus managed to find its way inside my family as well. And it has been very difficult ever since. We have all been trying to stay strong and just be there for each other. Now more than ever, I realize the need to savour every moment with my family and friends. I sit in the day and mindlessly go back to that late-night party I danced at or the long drive I went for. Now that I don’t get to do any of it, it makes me want to savour every moment the next time I get to do it all. And there is hope that there’s going to be a next time. There is always hope. So, I cling on to that hope, in the hope that everything will get better.

I am closer to my mother now more than ever. And whatever little we get to do together in these tough times, like go for a long walk, I savour it. I savour those talk sessions with my sister and video calls with my friends because I don’t know what’s coming next. Nobody does. In the meantime, it is essential to reflect upon what you have right now and make sure you don’t take it for granted. The good and the bad days, together they make life. And every moment of this life is important. So don’t throw it all away without careful consideration. Savour every moment that you can. Take mental pictures! And keep it all safe within your heart.  

When I was on one of those long walks with ma, she said that like Diwali is called the festival of lights, the light in our house this Diwali is going to be the good health of every member of the family. And I think she is absolutely right. While talking to me, my neighbour told me that this Diwali doesn’t feel like Diwali. True. Spending Diwali with my paternal grandparents is a ritual. But this is going to be the first Diwali without my grandfather since he passed away in February 2020. And even with a COVID-19 patient in my family itself, everything is different. But what I know is not different is that we’re still family and more than anything in the world, we want everybody to be healthy and happy. And if that happens this Diwali, it is going to be a true festival of lights for us.

I wish all of you a very ‘Happy Diwali!’. May your homes shine with health and happiness too.

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Journaling and me

I’d already read about innumerous benefits of journaling when the thought to start it myself came into my mind. As per various people and posts, journaling can help improve physical and psychological wellbeing from boosting memory to providing oneself with a safe space for self-talk. Although I first began journaling 7 years ago, I hadn’t really kept up with it. Now, stuck in lockdown with really not much to do, I took it up again. I pulled out a diary from the dusty shelf of a closet and here’s what I wrote on its first page in black ink:

This diary belongs to SHIRISHA VARMA. I intend on using it as my very first journal. I will be capturing daily events, random thoughts and day-to-day musings in here. I plan on making this book an exclusive account of my life. I plan on making this diary, this journal, a mirror-image of my brain. I’m finally beginning journaling because I want to record what goes on in the life of a regular human being and not let the stories get lost in the essence of time. I want to note down every single thing I feel, think, comprehend, just so I can always remember and stay connected to my roots, to who I was. Let’s begin…

Pretty dramatic, huh? I filled the coming pages with episodes of laughter and joy, sorrow, anger, confusion, frustration and more. Some days were so mundane, yet others made my hands ache with every detail that I was trying to cram in. On some days, life seemed to have lost its colour, yet too much was happening on others. In our peaceful yet chaotic lives, I’d try to find solace in writing. I wrote about every person who upset me and every person I loved. I wrote about the dullness of our lives in lockdown and the serene times we spent as a family.

I think my journal is a mixed account of my life that if even I go to reread, I may not fully understand. But that makes me think, is this how confused I am on the inside? After all, my journal is supposed to reflect my truest, unfiltered self. So that makes me conclude that my most honest version cries on one day and laughs on the next, with no second thoughts in her mind. Then how do I decide if I’m a happy person or sad?

After a great deal of thought, I’ve come to realize that I’m neither. Instead, I simply embrace every type of situation. Under upsetting circumstances, I become a sad person and under happy ones, I’m the happiest at heart. Allowing myself to feel each of these emotions deeply helps me ever so. And that is exactly what my journal has done for me. It has made me angrier while writing the emotion of anger and happier while describing my happiness. But after it is all put down on paper, again I feel like an empty canvas ready to perceive the most human side of being human i.e., really, our emotions.

My journal is ultimately the ‘mirror image’ of the gazillion thoughts that is Shirisha Varma. I like to think I am my thoughts. So, this makes me (pause to search for the correct answer) a pensive and emotive woman at the same time. And my journal has helped me discover that. Though, not only discover, but over the course it has also helped me to accept that part of me, and accept who I really am. Needless to say, I thank my journal for doing that for me; for providing me empty pages to colour with my life.

Words

It is mystifying-how small, tiny words can come together to form deep, profound meanings. There are 26 independent letters. They join in a random sequence and there you have it–a word! And then these uncountable words again join in a random sequence to give you the most powerful weapon in the world–a sentence. It takes only one sentence, just one, to make or break your life. That is it. These trivial elements literally make up your entire life. Have you ever noticed that? We never realize how significant every single word is in our daily life. Sometimes, I find the whole concept of language to be mind-blowing. Simple words can come together to stir up emotions in you that you never thought you were capable of. With no difficulty, I’m able to tell you everything I’m thinking right now and you’re able to comprehend what I’m feeling even though we are so far away from each other. Isn’t the thought simply marvellous?

Communication is the key to healthy living. Talk it out. Every single time. What you want to say could be the smartest or the silliest thing in the world, you just have to say it. It’s better than not saying it and going around with the thought of what would’ve happened if you had. Communication is the safest, easiest and the most effective way of letting people know who you are and what you want. And letting people know that is super important, trust me. For me, communication is my mighty tool. I try to use it to the maximum of my benefit. And I believe that is how we should use it. Without it, we would be only individuals with no sense of belonging, right and wrong, emotions and a basic understanding of each other and this world. Without it, we would be incomplete.

It is these words that cohere to form all our favourite type of entertainment–songs! We can all imagine how incomplete the music of ‘Ek Do Teen’ on one hand and ‘Kabira’ on the other would be, without their extraordinary lyrics. Sans their lyrics, these songs could never leave the mark they have on the people of India. Whether it be a heartbreak, happiness or tears, Bollywood has songs for every emotion and feeling. And it still hasn’t run out of content. How cool is that?

I want to sum it up by reminding you that if you have the gift of speech, please use it. It is indeed a gift, and I hope you treat it that way. Make use of every word at your disposal to benefit yourself and the people around you. Compliment your loved ones and even strangers. Little appreciations can go a long way. Form your sentences to inspire people, to change the world. Put together speeches to express what’s inside of you. Your voice matters. You matter. Misusing language is going to only cost you your peace of mind. Weave your thoughts into beautiful words and make the world a better place.

A FOREVER KIND OF LOVE

Love. Who is the one person that immediately comes to your mind when you think of that word? The feeling of love is powerful, encompassing and the most beautiful feeling you’d ever experience in your life. Comparably, to lose a loved one is a grief that I believe we never completely overcome. Written below are the thoughts of an ardent lover whose significant other passed away. The couple grew old together, but never grew apart. With now only memories to keep them company, this ardent lover reminisces their days with the love of their life. In their thoughts, they talk to their loved one who left all too soon.

‘Shy, yet beautiful, you had an extraordinary smile. One which had the power of love and the magic of truth. One which did wonders on me; the one which I fell for. Among thousands of pairs of eyes, I’d only be searching for yours. To be understood, to be felt is all that I’d ever asked for. And you gave it to me. Our first date together, the first laugh that we shared always brings back our happy memories. We would talk for endless hours, our conversations flowed with ease. And when we’d look into each other’s eyes, the silence would be only so superficial. Inside, our hearts would be beating loud and fast.

When I look back at our days together, I feel a sense of peace in my heart and I grin. Today, my face may be wrinkled, my skin loose. My smile may not be as beautiful as it was back in my 20s. But it’s the same one I wore since the first time I saw you. It is this Duchenne smile, the smile of true happiness, that I know I will die with. It is so because I know during my last breaths, I will have a flashback of our life together and with the thought of your warmth and your ever-smiling face, I will die in peace. I will die in peace because it will mean coming close to you and coming to you is what I’ve always longed for.    

You meant everything to me. My life turned upside down the day I first saw you. You gave me the greatest gift of life- love. I miss those privileged days when I could snuggle up in your arms, my head against your chest. I was truly blessed by life to have crossed paths with you. And as fate would have it, eventually our paths became one. On that path, we lived life together. We lived its ups and downs, we fought, we grew. But our love for each other was eternal. Our bond was unshakeable. Even the fiercest of storms stood nothing in front of our love. We had fate, destiny, the universe on our side. Baby, we were meant to be.

To get lost in your arms again, under the stars, in a world of our own, has been my deepest desire since the day you left this world to finally meet with God. It was the most unfortunate moment of my life. I had physically lost your touch. But of course, you continued to live in my heart. I did not and will not ever stop loving you because when it is my time to go, our souls will finally reunite and spend the rest of eternity together. To tell you, the day I first saw you, my life changed forever. It was the most fortunate moment of my life. And I count my blessings to this day, for God blessed me with you.

To the person who loved me unconditionally, who never left my side; of course, my best friend and my confidant who I also fell in love with, the person I shared a beautiful life with, today, I want to remind you that I too will love you, always and forever.’